This post will have little to do with veterinary science.
Other than a parable with a hamster running inside it’s wheel, I don’t expect to write much about animals in this one.
What I have realized recently is, that trauma catches up with you. It is not shameful and nobody should be expected to know how to deal with it, at the time, by themselves.
I sure wasn’t ready, and neither one of my family members was.
I always felt pulled towards medicine and science, and thought I’d become a doctor one day.
I felt I wouldn’t cope well with human death, so other; similar yet different paths, led me towards veterinary medicine.
And I fell truly and utterly in love with it. Starting university I had 0 expectation of a status, steady income or even employment. That is just how things are where I grew up. Veterinary medicine is not as appreciated as it is in other parts of the world, so those of us who did chose it as a path, we knew it will be a difficult one that leads towards being broke, unemployed and even ridiculed.
Those that stuck with the 6 long years of Uni, did it for pure passion towards the science and compassion of the profession.
My escape from facing trauma were books, studying and keeping myself over occupied.
I have been doing this for almost 15 straight years now.
And my body can no longer take it. I have been ignoring my needs, left everything and sacrificed so much, in pursuit of ‘a job’.
And because my sacrifice was so big, I had big expectations. I compromised everything other than the quality of work I was able to provide to my clients.
I still feel this way.
However, I feel almost at the end of my strengths, pulling myself together after several steep downward spirals….
My ‘job’ is, and has been, my therapy. And although it had allowed me an escape from dealing with myself, because the journey I took was so intense, it also provided a safe space for self-rediscovery.
I talk small to my babies. All your little ones that I have seen, they are all my babies. I think about them years after I had seen them, and I send prayers to those we had to let go.
I am not looking for approval or praise with this post, I am not perfect and there are many areas of my life and work I need to improve on.
The swimming pool of Ego’s I have encountered, the self-righteousness and even forms of abuse I experienced during my journey, would put many people off of ever leaving the safety of their comfort zone again.
I have yet to discover what my comfort zone is. I haven’t had one, as I had to cope and perform in conditions many would describe as 'extreme'.
I know in my comfort zone there will be mostly spots available for animals, some for cake and coffee, and with some crazy luck, perhaps a new friend or mentor.
I love my ‘job’ with passion that drove me to the bottom of a deep dark place several times, surfing through life from broke to poor several times in the past 5 years.
Trauma, the issue I started this post with, is the wheel you are running in. That I am running in.
The carrot- this is probably status, recognition and approval at this point.
And my job is, and has been- the cage that contains the wheel, the carrot and the hamster. Basically, my whole world. But, it surely must have a secret way out through a toilet paper roll, if only the hamster stopped running.